Our First Year of Marriage

By Jake and Katie Arnold

We prepared ourselves for marriage and we want to share how it went, and some tips and tricks for couples out there who are approaching the marriage subject and want to be successful.

Jake and I met on a mission trip in Mozambique Africa in 2014, our paths just kind of crossed and we both connected after we got home. We started talking and we ended up dating long distance for four years, and then we got married.

We learned a lot during our four years of dating.  We had to learn how to communicate effectively because that was all we had, talking on the phone or Skype. We actually saw each other quite frequently for being long distance, every six to eight weeks we got to see each other. The nice thing about the way we met is that my mom didn't have to pre-screen Katie because we met on the same mission trip, so we got the spirit realm covered.

Preparing for the first year

One of the first things, as we got engaged, was we decided that we wanted to have a really great first year of marriage. Growing up all we ever heard was “oh my gosh the first year of marriage sucks” it was awful. We made a decision “we're going to have a good first year of marriage” little did we know all the hard work that goes into preparing for marriage. One of the first things that we did was, we kind of spilled our whole lives out to each other and there were no secrets at all. I think carrying that kind of emotional baggage or any kind of secrets into the marriage, is basically setting yourself up to have a minefield where certain issues may be touchy and certain issues may draw an extreme emotional response and you never really know why, unless you do the work ahead of time, and since we spent four years dating long distance, I was pretty sure I knew who Katie was at that point.

 I think the shotgun wedding style, where you date for six months and then go directly into marriage sometimes works, but I really don't feel like you have enough time to really see your significant other in every season. It's really hard to say that you know each other and that you're ready to take two separate beings and merge them into one.

Premarital Counseling and Sharing Secrets

Here are some of the elements that we did beforehand in premarital counseling, we talked about roles and responsibilities, traditions that are really near and dear to your heart. But you don't really get to know that unless you share that with your spouse. It's kind of corny, but our counselor gave a list of different responsibilities, for man and wife in the household and basically, we just went through every single one and we both talked about who should take the trash out, who's to do the dishes, who should do laundry, things that seem so small and menial. Keep in mind that both people come from very different backgrounds and have had very different experiences, so what he saw his parents do, may not be what my parents did. We both had different expectations of what each person's role should be in the household. We both talked about our expectations for each other and I think that really actually set us up for the first few months of marriage, we already had an idea of who was going to be doing what and that's not to say that I don't sometimes take on his roles or he takes on mine, but we kind of just know when the other person needs some help. I have my bad days, he has his bad days and we'll pick up where that person needs help.

Finances

Finances is a really touchy subject for any couple “what were the means that you grew up I grew up?” Did you have a physical budget? Yes, we did. Yes, we still do. Yeah, I don't see how people can adhere to a budget that doesn't actually exist on paper. Well, it's an Excel document but of course, we have it, and to be honest when Katie and I first got married we were flat broke. We were really broke. I think that was probably the hardest part about our first year of marriage, the financial aspect. Katie had just graduated college, she had college debt and Jake was working for a couple of years at that point. When Katie first moved to Charleston, she was applying for jobs, she didn't really know what she wanted to do, it was really challenging.

We look fondly on that season because we learned a lot about each other because, when I struggle with finances, I immediately want to crack down on something, Katie has things that she still wants to do and it's hard to tell your wife that we don't have a budget for clothes for six months, that's the reality of where we were, there were certain things that we knew we could live without and there are certain things we knew that we couldn't leave without and we had just committed to living within our means. One of the most dangerous things, when you both get married, is you don't know if your partner's $40,000 into debt and I was well aware of that. We had student debt coming into it, but I also wasn't hiding like a massive credit card debt. Finances is one of the main causes for divorce and we both were in agreement that we were going to be on the same page about our finances. We may have disagreements and that's okay, but we're going to meet somewhere in the middle.

Sharing Bank Accounts

We share the same bank account so we know at all times what each person is spending money on and that, I think, has helped us tremendously. It gives us every single week something to talk about when we get paychecks, what we're going to do with our money, and overall has helped us become more united in our marriage. I think what's common in marriages is sometimes you get one person who's more aware of what's going on with the finances and then someone who's not as aware. I was pretty intentional with Katie, I told her that she needed to learn some of this personal financial stuff because I don't want to be making the decisions for both of us without being able to involve her in it. As Katie learned that, it became really helpful that I can discuss it with her “hey, the interest rate on these credit cards really high. I think we should pay it down first” or “hey, our auto loan can go into forbearance on at this month”.

Overall I would say, if you fail to prepare for marriage, you're preparing to fail in marriage. Do the premarital counseling, have the hard conversations. First, know that it will set you up for success and just a better transition into marriage.

We hope that this will help you along on your journey.