How To Win An Argument - part 2
Choose To Lose
So, how does one truly win the argument? It becomes a choice!! Some are thinking, “Wait… Choose to win?” NO! Choose to lose! In marriage, when one person wins, you both lose! However, if you set out to lose the desire to be right and to have the upper hand, then you will begin to display the true heart of God to your spouse!
It is far from natural for us to choose to be second to anyone or anything, but we must always set out to lose our selfishness and pride, and be willing to lay down what we think the outcome should be so we can discover what our spouse is in needs.
Be free from pride-filled opinions, for they will only harm your cherished unity. Do not allow self-promotion to hide in your hearts, but in authentic humility put others first and view others as more important than yourselves. Abandon every display of selfishness. Possess a greater concern for what matters to others instead of your own interests. And consider the example that Jesus, the Anointed One, has set before us. Let his mindset become your motivation. -Philippians 2:3-5 TPT
Your Spouse Is Not Your Enemy
We must choose to see your spouse as your biggest ally, not your opponent. Again, choosing to lose is not natural, but it can become normal. The more you choose to lose, the more normal it will become.
“Practice makes perfect” This may be a cliché, but it’s true!
Choosing to lose is far from easy; and like most things in life, it is a process. It will take several failed attempts to even begin to realize when we are trying to win! Now, I am not suggesting you go home and start an argument with your spouse in order to try to put this into practice. Because if you do, you will convince yourself that you are trying to lose. But in the end, one, if not both of you walk away feeling absolutely defeated.
It’s About WE Not Me
Then the thought I mentioned earlier comes to your mind “I can never win with you” The truth is, you can only win WITH your spouse, you just have to fix your focus! Ask yourself, “Am I trying to win God’s way, or my way?” The process of losing really starts in two ways. First, ask for quick conviction any time tension is happening between you and your spouse. This is a preemptive strike! Asking God to change your heart now, will allow him to move quickly in those moments. Second, bring God into the tension. Asking for his presence to consume you and calling out the offense, pride and selfishness. Yes, God is always with you in the calm and the storm, but He is a gentleman and will not force Himself into your moment. He is waiting for the invitation.
Losing does not start with the letter ‘L’, is starts with an ‘F’. YES, I said it, the ‘F’ word.
Ask For Forgiveness
Try this phrase--
Seriously, say it!! Forgive me. I was wrong. I was being selfish and prideful.
Hopefully, just hearing those words come out of your mouth brought a sense of peace. That is what forgiveness does! If you found it hard to say, which is true for most of us, say it again until it is less painful. This phrase is one that has many lasting effects. It shows repentance, requires humility, and it brings freedom all at once.
You see, to truly ask for forgiveness, you must have already said “I’m sorry”, not necessarily verbally, but in your heart. This is a heart posture. That is true repentance. The very fact that you say the phrase, comes only from humility. Humility is the realization that you were placing yourself above another. Because we are all broken and flawed, none of us are above the other. When we express the underlying emotion of selfishness and pride, we have effectively called out our “old man”. We have put it on notice that we are not going to allow it to control us any longer. All of these things combined will provide your spouse with a sense of security, equality, value, and comfort. Isn’t that what we all really want in our marriage?
Just Don’t Say This…
One note on the ‘F’ word phrase above… I strongly urge you not to add to the end “…I’ll never do it again” I promise you; you are setting yourself up for failure and disappointment!! Remember what I said about having several failed attempts… Don’t fool yourself into thinking you’re going to get it right from this point forward.
Your Spouse Is Always For You
Now, I know, in the beginning, many of you were looking for a way to win the argument; however, if these things become your normal, you will see arguments as an opportunity to serve and love your spouse. In order to love your spouse, you must lose the “me VS. you” mindset. You have to know in your heart that your spouse is always for you and always on your side. I am not saying you will always agree, but when you lose, we will always win.
Blessings to you and your marriage.
