How To Win An Argument In Marriage - part 1

I am willing to bet that the husbands are reading this because they thought, “I sure could use some tips on how to win at least once with my wife” Well… keep reading. I’m also willing to bet there are more than a few wives thinking, “Great! I could always use another way to prove to my husband ‘I’m right’” Well… Keep reading. And there is a third group that might be thinking, “Oh, this is going to be good. I have to see how wrong the advice is going to be here” Well… Keep reading. 

We’re Raised To Win

Winning is ingrained into who we are. There is nothing in our flesh that is satisfied with losing or being mediocre. Nobody sets out to be the runner-up, or second best. I have never taken on a role where all I wanted to be was just be good enough to get by! It is our natural tendency to want to be the best. Even in marriage, I want to be the best husband and father. However, too many times I have wanted to be the best by proving I’m right. This puts my wife in the position of an adversary. She becomes my opponent and not my helper. It becomes me vs. her!

God Wired Us Differently

This goes against God’s will in every way possible. He never said to be the best, you must be right. Nor did He say, I have to be in absolute control of everything! No, He said Anyone who wants to be first must be the very last, and the servant of all -Mark 9:35 NIV

This goes against every fiber of my flesh. But that is exactly what I need to do to WIN in marriage - I need to lose!!!

Typical Argument

Recently, my wife and I were on the absolute opposite ends of the spectrum of a situation. There was no seeing eye to eye, no compromise, no middle ground. The crazy part is, I told her to make the decision in the situation! I said to her “I don’t feel comfortable making the decision here. Please make the decision and I will not oppose you” Yet, I wanted it my way and I was going to do everything in my power to sway her to my side. I told her how I felt about the situation, why I felt that way, how the decision would affect me. I wanted to win and was willing to twist and manipulate to get my way!

Of course, I never started out thinking “I’m going to manipulate my wife so I can win”, but looking back, that is exactly what I was trying to do. I was off base and was further from God’s standard than I wanted. After finally hearing God say to me ‘My daughter is not your enemy!!’ I realized what was happening. We were being pitted against each other.

Your Spouse Is Not Your Competition

I stopped mid-conversation and said to her “We are arguing against each other but really what is happening here. We are not each other’s enemy! You are the blessing God gave me and right now I’m not doing what’s right in His eyes.” It was at that moment we both saw and heard each other the way God does. We humbled ourselves and stopped trying to win. We both laid down our weapons and were able to hear what God wanted us to do. In the end, God moved and made the decision for us in the situation.  

If You Win, Resentment Sets In

Many will see the outcome of this situation as a compromise, and some may even say, “Compromise is how you win the argument”, but that is not true! Compromise means, sifting through both of your thoughts, and trying to find what is helpful. Then you discuss those similarities and come to a comfortable conclusion. Compromise means both of you win. However, because neither of you won fully, bitterness can linger. Resentment is fostered deep inside us. This is not something that either of us think about doing, it just happens. Then one day down the road, in the midst of an argument, one of you will utter these words, “I can never win with you!” That is the result of compromise and is a guaranteed way to lose your marriage. Not immediately, but eventually. It becomes a slow gradual descent.

The real outcome of the situation was a sacrifice! We both laid down our desires, and our wants and looked to fulfill the need of the other. We no longer wanted to win our way. We wanted to win how Jesus did. He made the ultimate sacrifice and crucified his flesh to the point of death to show his love for us. 

(read part 2 by clicking below)